


I Don't Count

by Maniac1



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bromance, Character Study, Friendship, Gen, POV First Person, Post Reichenbach, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-26
Updated: 2012-08-26
Packaged: 2017-11-12 21:50:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/496002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maniac1/pseuds/Maniac1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock can't deduce himself, but there's one person who can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Count

**Author's Note:**

> I love Molly. Her capacity for unconditional love rivals even John Watson’s; arguably, it surpasses even his, since John receives at least a measure of reciprocation from Sherlock. I'm hoping that Season 3 will show us a closer Sherlock/Molly friendship.

I see you, you know.  No one else does; not even him.

 

I’ve watched you for five years now.  Surely you’ve noticed.  But then again, perhaps not.  You’ve always been endearingly clueless when it comes to the most obvious things.  Like the fact that you’ll never be able to make him believe the worst of you.  That he’ll always forgive you, no matter what you do. That he loves you, even more than I do.  And that’s saying a lot.

 

You told me that I counted, but I don’t, not really.  Those three people you sacrificed everything for?  They are the ones who count.  And not just in the ways that they give you what you need.  

 

Mrs. Hudson?  Sure, she provided you with a flat after you had been evicted from the fourth one in as many months, with nowhere else to go.  No other landlord would give you the time of day.  She gave you a rate that you could have easily afforded on your own.  But that’s not why you ‘died’ for her.  You died for her because she’s the mother that you haven’t had since you were ten years old, and you’re the son she _never_ had.  You and her and John… you were a family.  Will be again, when you come back.  Nobody can tear apart the bonds of family… not even Jim.

 

Greg Lestrade?  Yes, he’s your contact with Scotland Yard, your _in_ to all of the interesting cases.  He’s the only DI willing to work with you.  Without him, you lose the Work.  And without the Work, your brain will rot and you will resort back to substances that are a bit not good.  But that’s not why you saved him.  You saved him because he is a friend.   He was there for you way back in the beginning, when nobody else was.  For all intents and purposes, he saved your life.  Now you’re returning the favour. 

 

Then there’s John.   Does anything more need to be said?  You can justify your reasons for saving him until you’re blue in the face, but I know the true reason.  It’s a reason you can’t even admit to yourself.  And do you know why, Sherlock Holmes?  It’s because you’re a coward.

 

Go ahead; lay it all out for us.  Tell us why it’s so important that John Watson remain alive.  You’ll say it’s because he provides you with praise and adulation.  Nothing strokes an ego more than having someone around who constantly reminds you how brilliant and amazing you are.  Or maybe you’ll say it’s because he’s proven to be an invaluable assistant, that he stimulates that genius of yours to such an extent that you find it hard to function without his keen yet misplaced insight.  Perhaps you’ll even stoop so low as to claim that he’s your only friend, the only person who will put up with your frequently abhorrent behaviour.  Maybe some of those reasons will even be true.

 

But the real reason is something far more altruistic than any of those.  And really, when it comes to your relationship with John Watson, you have been a most remarkably selfless man.  Most people look at the two of you, and they see a one-sided friendship.  They would say that John is the caring, giving one of the two of you.  They would point out all of the things that John has given you – loyalty, acceptance, approbation – and then be quick to say that you gave him precious little in return.  But I know better. 

 

You didn’t need a flatmate.  I know you well enough to realise that you didn’t crave companionship or friendship.  You’ve always been perfectly happy existing on your own, free of sentimental entanglements.  You didn’t need John, at least not at first.  But he needed you.  You saw that need in him immediately, and you felt compelled to meet it. 

 

You provided him with a purpose.  The excitement you introduced him to made his limp redundant.  You gave him back his life.   Then you did something completely unexpected.  You gave up your own life, so that he could keep the one you gifted him with.

 

You did it because his well-being mattered more than your own.  Because you love him.  Unconditionally, and without hope of getting anything in return.

 

If anyone ever again says that you’re incapable of reciprocating feelings, they will have to answer to me.  Even if it means it’s not _my_ feelings being returned.  Because you can’t choose who you love, you see.  I know that better than anybody. 

 

You’re not a sociopath.  You care more deeply than you’ll ever admit.  Because to admit to it is a weakness, isn’t it?  A weakness that you can’t afford, especially now, when you need to keep them safe.  You didn’t confide in John, because that would have put him at risk.  So you confided in me, instead.  Because everyone overlooks little old me.  And because it’s better for _me_ to be at risk than the people who actually matter.  And that’s okay.  I can live with that.  I’ve made my choice, and I don’t regret it.  You’ll always have me.  That will never change.

 

So, take care, Sherlock Holmes.  Return sooner rather than later, if you can. They need you, desperately.  I know you don’t believe it, but they do.  You’re more important than you realise.  Don’t let them lose you for real.  Don’t let _me_ lose you for real.  My poor heart couldn’t take it. 

  
  
Goodbye, and good luck.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, comment and let me know what you think. Thank you :)


End file.
